Already got asked if we're dating
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
