so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize