i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
What a dumb baby whore.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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