Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
Someone shattered a urinal.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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