god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
