I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
