she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize