1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
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