connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
