Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Randomize
