I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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