hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
