We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
