Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Randomize
