guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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