It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Randomize
