as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
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