you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Houston, we have a blender
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Randomize
