I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
