dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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