My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I think my moral compass just broke
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
