i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
