Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
