aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
