Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
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