3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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