He asked me if I "almost moaned"
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
