Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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