you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
