eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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