I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
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