Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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