how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
