his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Randomize
