dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
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