Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
