I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
