We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
