God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
