If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
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