Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize