theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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