I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
