Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Randomize
