I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
handjob tips. give me some.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
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