I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
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