I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
