my phone needs a breathalizer
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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