I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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