new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Randomize
