Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
