i need an iv and a liver transplant
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
