I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
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