dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize