I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Randomize
