I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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