Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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