By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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