I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Randomize
