the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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