How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize