FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
We talked him into tasing himself.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
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