My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
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