You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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