Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Randomize
