look no pants
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
