im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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